I can't control the way I heal, feel, or bleed

I am drinking coffee. I am listening to music. I am writing about music. I am watching for baseball trades. I am grateful to be able do normal things.

Here’s the Spotify playlist. Below, a few words about each song and a tribute to my brother.

Equipment - “Tequila Redbull”

Despite our best efforts, we have been unable to locate the magical factory where Equipment goes to write songs and somehow outdo themselves every time.

Diva Bleach - “Out Of My Head” (We Don’t Talk About It)

This band is going to make a lot of new fans opening Sad Summer. Don’t be surprised if they’ve headlining it soon. The new EP rocks.

Japandroids - “Chicago”

If the phrase “dudes rock” came to live it would be Japandroids. Their songs make me want to run through a wall. P.S. I love you, Chicago.

Kississippi - “Last Time” (Damned if I do it for you)

I called it the song of the summer and I meant it. Between this song (“K-I-S-S, you can kiss my ass goodbye”) and “HOT TO GO!” it’s a big summer for spelling.

Good June - “Silly Little Game” 

Here’s a good Boston band. I think a lot of people are going to dig this.

Annabel - “Medicine” (Worldviews)

If you like emo, there’s zero chance you’re not going to like this record.

The Dreaded Laramie - “Breakup Songs” (Princess Feedback)

Their debut record is finally out and it rocks. Their live show is the most fun you can have with your fishnets on and they’ve managed to capture that fun, energy, and humor on the record.

Tiny Stills - “The Process” (We Really Felt Something)

Tiny Stills makes such sad songs sound so fun. These songs are there for you if you also feel like the world is literally and figuratively melting down but you’re putting on a brave face and trying to navigate life with grace and love and friendship.

Broken Record - “Ringer”

Denver, Colorado emo band Broken Record put out one of the best records of 2023 so it’s no surprise that this new single from their split with Flesh Tape rocks. They established their sound on the record, and they’ve deepened it on this track.

Roe Knows Best - “Capture the Flag”

You already read about this song. Now is the perfect time to listen again.

Bartees Strange - “Lie 95”

Bartees continues to be effortlessly cool and write great songs. I also really liked his track from the I Saw the TV Glow soundtrack. That soundtrack is great, and the film is incredible. I think about it almost daily.

Honey Creek - “Take the Shot”

This song was released before the (fake) assassination attempt, if you’re wondering. Why is his ear fine? What a fucking loser. I’m glad we’ve shifted to the “you Republicans are weird” era. Historians have said the best way to deal with fascists is to laugh at them, because that’s the one thing they really can’t stand. Calling them scary only makes them feel more powerful, so let’s keep laughing and calling them all fucking weirdos. Anyways, this is some good pop-punk.

Great Grandpa - “Kid”

One of the very best is back with their first new song in five years. Feels good. Sounds great. Welcome back.

Coral Moons - “arcade” (summer of u)

Another Boston band. Great vibes. What a voice. This is a perfect record for a summer evening outside with friends and cold beverages.

Pacing - “tortilla chip bag song”

There are only a handful of artists who could make this song. There is an even smaller number of artists who would make this song. It is to our great benefit that Pacing is one of those artists.

Again, here’s the playlist. Enjoy.

Trigger warning (death) for the rest of this post.

Last week I found myself writing an obituary for my brother. My mom and I started it. My wife and I finalized it. I think it did him justice. I hope it did him justice. The last few weeks have been a complete blur, but I remember all the moments where everything felt so suffocating and heavy. I remember every moment that was a reminder that this was final. Being in the hospital room when he passed. Emailing work and explaining. Canceling his Netflix and getting an email from them with the subject line “We’re sorry to say goodbye.” Going to the funeral home with my mom to plan his services. Writing the obituary. Seeing the obituary published. Getting a Google alert because my name is mentioned in the obituary. Friends sending me flowers. Friends sending me DoorDash gift cards. Friends recommending books about grief. (Thank you so much.) The outpouring of support from every corner of my life and his. Posting from his Facebook and Instagram to deliver the news to his friends. Seeing his friends post their tributes to him. My mom texted something funny and I went to send it to him and realized I couldn’t. Seeing him in the casket. Seeing the wall of old photos my mom and cousin put together for his services. Standing there for two hours with a line out the door, hugging people and shaking hands and crying. Knowing he would have been so proud that so many people showed up for him they had to cut off the line. Grief is like the ocean. It comes in waves, it never stops, and sometimes it knocks you on your ass and tries to sweep you away. I’m struggling but the love and support I feel keeps helping me move my arms to swim back to shore.

It puts writing about songs into perspective. It’s a luxury to love music and share music and talk about music with your friends.

But for now I don’t want to to talk about music. I want to share a story about him that shows the kind of person he was. The big heart that he always had growing up, the big heart that touched so many people everywhere he went. A big heart that will be missed by so many, including Carol. Let me tell you about Carol.

My brother lived in an apartment building where lots of old ladies live. One of those ladies, Carol, was told by her doctor she needed to walk two miles a day. She hated that idea. She put an ad in the paper that said “dog walker needed… but I don’t have a dog.” She received zero responses. Then one day in the lobby of their building, she saw my brother. She asked him if he wanted a dog walking job. He loved dogs, so he was intrigued. Then she told him she was the dog, and he was confused. She explained the situation, and just like that, they became walking partners. They both had a dark sense of humor and they made each other laugh. She would text him and wouldn’t accept no for an answer when it was time to walk. He had become reclusive but some days she managed to get him to leave his apartment which was monumental for him. They were only friends for a few months, but it was clear they had a special bond. She came to the service and had such lovely things to say about him and it was so nice to hear that right up until the end, he was connecting with people, even in the most unique ways. He always had a knack for that. I hope he’s remembered as the silly, smiley, happy go lucky kid who made friends and spread love everywhere he went.

Love you forever, dude.