Not to toot my own horn but my ENT had this to say about my sinus blockage that has been ruining my life for about six months: “I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s not the worst I’ve ever seen but it’s right up there.” It's an honor just to be nominated or whatever. After all these months of missing work and cancelling plans and 2 MRIs and bouncing from doctor to doctor like a pinball I have surgery scheduled next month. Rumor has it I’ll finally be able to breathe and sleep. What a concept.

Not to toot my own horn again but when Jamie Ding was a 3-time Jeopardy champion I predicted he’d be around for awhile. Well he’s up to 25 wins and $702,000. Only four players have more wins and only five players have won more money. He’s incredible.

Toot tooooooot!

Okay anyways, today I have some great songs for you, I’m going to complain about the Red Sox, and share a poem I wrote recently about how whenever I get good news I feel like there’s something terrible looming around every corner.

Is the cure to [male] loneliness getting to the mf’ing gig? Yeah maybe! My advice: buy that ticket even if you’re not sure you can go. Buy two and then figure out which friend can go with you. Worst case scenario you can’t go, you can resell it or give it away or just be happy knowing that you put a few bucks in their pockets. Best case scenario you get out of the house and enjoy some live music. Maybe discover a great opener. Buy a shirt. Be part of a community. Talk up a stranger wearing a cool band shirt. Make a friend.

I had tickets to two shows last weekend (Banquets; Megan From Work / Little Low) and couldn’t go to either for headache reasons and dad reasons. I’m bummed because those bands are all so good but I’m happy to support them even though I missed it.

Everything is computer. Go analog, baby! We’ve been online enough. Bots and AI are taking over. The worst people keep making everything worse. In person events are back. Let’s be humans together.

Speaking of live music, fuck Live Nation. They have been found guilty of acting as a monopoly, news we can file under nooooo shit. This trial also led to some infuriating internal messages by employees Ben Baker and Jeff Weinhold coming to light. “These people are so stupid. I almost feel bad taking advantage of them. I gouge them on ancil[lary] prices. Robbing them blind, baby. That’s how we do it.” Of course the company released a statement that said those words don’t reflect their values, but Ben Baker still has a job as the head of ticketing for their unit that oversees 150 amphitheaters, so, I think you can figure out how much they’re okay with their employees talking shit about their (over)paying customers.

Here’s a hot new playlist for your ears. Listen on Apple Music or Spotify.

For more on Fear Elements read this. For more on Dead Billionaires read this.

I’m really trying to find the bright spot. I’m deep in the cave, 11% of the way through the season, and it’s dark as hell in here. At 7-11, they are tied with the Blue Jays for the 6th worst record in MLB. They’re lucky that no one in the AL East is playing great ball. They’re only 4 games back of the Rays, who lead the division despite an even run differential.

Last week, their ace looked truly horrible in the worst start of his career, and the next day one of the two guys who’ve been hitting left the game with a sore back. It looks like Willson Contreras’ back will be okay. Unclear on Garrett Crochet. Velo down, couldn’t locate, very scary.

By WPA (win probability added) they have 2 of the 7 worst hitters in the game. Trevor Story is the worst, and Caleb Durbin is 7th worst. Not good.

Here are their MLB ranks in the following categories: (stats through April 16)

Batting
18th in runs per game
23rd in OPS
29th in HR
21st in walk rate
20th in K rate
17th in OPS vs LHP
23rd in OPS vs RHP
20th in OPS at home
15th in OPS on the road
26th in OPS in high leverage situations
T-2nd least steals

Pitching
26th in starters ERA
25th in starters FIP
27th in relievers FIP
24th in K/BB%
25th in OPS against
3rd most HR allowed

Fielding
T-4th most errors
27th in fielding %
7th in fielding run value (!!!)
5th in outs above average (!!!)

So much for run prevention. Silver linings are hard to find here.

Fixing the Empire? Roman Anthony might be feeling the pressure of being the leadoff hitter and best player on the team as a 21 year old. He hasn’t looked right and might have the yips in the field. Maybe it’s turning around: in the last three games he got on base 9 times: 2 doubles, 3 singles, 3 walks, and a hit by pitch. That’s more like it. There are still some quirks in his numbers. His zone swing % is down to 51.2%. (55.9% last year.) He also has the 5th lowest meatball swing %, meaning pitches right down the middle: 47.8%. Last year he was at 51.6%, the lowest in the league. His swing % overall is nearly identical: last year he was at 37.4% behind only Juan Soto, this year he’s at 37.7%. If he starts swinging at just a few more of those good pitches, with his bat speed and power, his numbers should go straight up.

Okay, here’s one good thing: at least the Sox seem to know the rules, unlike Yankees second baseman Jazz Chisholm Jr.